Are you considering breaking up or getting a divorce? Answer 12 questions and get clarity.

Thinking about breaking up can be difficult and emotionally loaded. Taking a step back and looking at your relationship objectively may help you gain the clarity you can't see when drowning in a torrent of emotions.

Get yourself a journal or some method for working through your thoughts. Identifying them for what they truly are will help you organise them into an understandable form.

On a new page write down everything that made you fall in love and love your spouse/partner in the first place.

• What type of person is he/she?
• What do they like and don’t like?
• What are their future goals?
• Are they happy where they are?
• What are their core values and dreams?
• What has been frustrating you about them?
• Why are you angry with them?

Now write down what YOU want in life.

• What type of person are you?
• What do you like and don’t like?
• What are your future goals?
• Are you happy where you are?
• What are your core values and dreams?

This may take some thinking as you may be in a constant state of fear, stress, anger, or confusion and when you are in any of these states your thinking may not be as clear as you would like. But it's important to get back to YOU and what YOU want with this ONE life you have been given.

Make your list as detailed as possible, this will help you also get back in touch with your values, dreams, desires, and future goals.

Now take the 2 lists, compare them, and see if they align.

Are there common areas you just don’t see any more and that you can use to heal your marriage or relationship? Sometimes we get sucked into daily routines and stress and we forget the assets our spouse brings to the marriage that we can leverage to make it work like a symphony.

Look at your relationship as if you are looking at your best friend's relationship.  Would you say the relationship is good and that the two people build each other up, support each other, are working on a future together, and that the relationship is a safe space where your friend can be who they authentically are? If so, find a professional therapist and work on the relationship. 

I always encourage healing a marriage first, doing the work on yourself and doing your best for the relationship.

But, if your answers to the above don't align, you don't feel safe and you can't build towards a future then it may be time to break up and end it. 

If you are going to request a divorce, then in the next issue we will begin the steps. From finding a lawyer, getting your documents together, drafting contracts, dealing with the cascade of emotions, talking to and dealing with the kids and family and friends, to making peace with and forgiving yourself and living alone with confidence.  

Every week we will cover the next step in the process, and I promise to guide you right through to the end.

Please download the pdf worksheet  under MEDIA for this step to help you work through all the questions here: https://www.thriveinlife.co.za/medias/contemplating-divorce-step-1-pdf-worksheet/ 

You are valuable, important and worthy of a happy life. Stand strong.

Your Friend

Karin